By Dr. Baker
Calais School Psychologist
A lot of time is spent talking about self-esteem because our children are often lacking it, especially our special needs children. We feel like we are doing all we can to build our children up, but what we are doing does not seem to work. I would like to offer some suggestions to “tweak” what you are probably already doing to build your child’s self-esteem.
It is important for us to praise our children’s accomplishments. Sometimes we may go overboard in an attempt to build them up. Inflated praise gives the child a message that what he or she does really does not matter; we are going to praise any little thing. Don’t get me wrong, I think we need to focus on our children’s success stories and not their shortcomings. However, we also do not want to ignore when they did not succeed or meet their goal. Helping them develop a growth mindset helps build their self-esteem. We should definitely praise what they accomplish or the obstacle they overcome, but we must also acknowledge when things didn’t work out and say, “What went wrong? What can you try differently next time?” This lets the child know they are capable, even in the face of failure, and that you know they can succeed. When we ignore the weakness or failure, we are giving the unspoken message that we think that they can not succeed or improve.
When we have children who struggle, we often overcompensate by doing everything for them because we want to lighten their load. The unspoken message we are giving is we think they can not contribute in a meaningful way. Sure, every child will likely complain when faced with a chore. But, the message responsibility is sending is loud and clear — your child is an important part of the household and is instrumental in its success. Responsibilities help children build pride in what they can do, confidence in facing challenges outside of the house, and contribute to feelings of self-worth.
Parents reading about building self-esteem in their children are also probably the parents who are spending lots of time with them. When we spend time with our children, are the activities directed by us or by them? Let your child pick the activity and plan the day. And, then, throw yourself into their plan!! Don’t we feel great when we share our interests with someone and they embrace it fully and enjoy it? That is the feeling we want to give our children!
Building self-esteem in our special needs children is a desire shared by parents. It can be heart-breaking when we know our kid is awesome, but they don’t believe it. If all we had to do was tell them they were great, it would be so easy. We know that does not always work. I hope the above tips help you show your children they are awesome, capable, interesting people so they will start to believe it themselves.
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